I wrote this post back in July but never got around to sharing it. It feels weird to talk about breastfeeding, and yet it was such a special experience.
This may be the last time
Last time I lay here with you. . .
When the last time was our last time
Should’ve told you that the last time comes too soon
-Father John Misty, Goodbye Mr. Blue
I was driving to work while Goodbye Mr. Blue started playing and I was caught by the haunting loop of Father John Misty singing “Should’ve told you that the last time comes too soon.” There I was on I95 ready to cry thinking about the end of my breastfeeding journey with Nadia. Throughout my workday I kept humming the tune, finally someone had given the words I couldn’t find for myself. Somehow the last time did come too soon. Honestly, when I asked Daniel to take that picture of us nursing, I did not believe it would be the last time– I probably would have brushed my hair or picked a special outfit, maybe tidied up our room.
My original goal was to breastfeed exclusively for her first year, but it seemed Nadia’s goal was to nurse forever. We had to compromise with stopping a week or so shy of turning 20 months. Despite how much effort it took to wean over several months, it really feels sad for that part of our relationship to be over.
While her birth separated us into two separate beings, in many ways we stayed connected over the next year and a half through breastfeeding. I never bothered feeding on a schedule, so in those early days I literally nursed her every hour or two throughout the day and night. She seemed so cozy resting in my arms after feeding. Boobs were the answer to her 99 problems.
In the second half of our nursing journey, I claimed my half of the bed as our nursing zone. When it was time to nurse, I would dim the nights and lay down with her and wrap up with a favorite blanket. After turning one, slowly but surely our nursing times turned into something before bedtime and when she came home after daycare. Although, I didn’t love the forceful demands of “milk” when we walked in the house, it was kind of nice to have a reason to lay down in bed with her for a few minutes when we got home. It’s so easy for me busy with the endless tasks around the house, that it really was helpful to have those reminders to stop and snuggle.
Since weaning, Nadia sometimes asks for milk with her sign for breastfeeding (rubbing her thumb and first two fingers together), but she is generally okay when I say, “milk went away.” A few times she took my hand to walk me upstairs so we could lay down in my bed while she ate her afterschool snack; that just seemed so sweet to me. At night, when she wakes up, she now calls out for “mama” and “crackers.” It’s those trips to the kitchen for crackers at 2:00am when I really miss breastfeeding!
Breastfeeding has been such a strong part of my identity as a mother; and yet when I think about our future together this phase was just a drop in the bucket. While there were days and weeks when it felt like I never had any personal space, it now feels weird to not always been “needed” in that way. I still see her reading the picture book I bought her about weaning and she will point to the mother in the pictures and say “mama.”
I wonder what other “last times” we will face and if they will feel “too soon” as well, but all I know is that today I feel satisfied knowing I did a beautiful thing for my little girl for as long as I possibly could.